OLD winds ripped through the streets of Legion City. The winter wonderland of December had become the wasteland of January. The mood was about the same as a kid with a shovel told to clear the driveway. The multitude of faces shared the same scowl, like they had all collectively spilled coffee on their trousers. The exception was one remarkably pale face.

The pale face belonged to a head, high and defiant, attached to a neck covered by a tall collar. The rest of the body was dressed in fashionable attire, assuming ‘fashionable’ meant ‘out of style for centuries.’ She was a vampire, headed into an old office building which housed a pair of detectives who were recently gaining a bit of a reputation.

The building itself had no reputation other than as the place with the immense amount of graffiti. The vampire walked through the door and passed by an orc sleeping at the reception desk.

“Dingy place,” the vampire thought to herself. “These investigators better be worth the time.”

Badger had just returned from his favorite cheap coffee shop with a drink for Bones and himself.

“We got any calls while I was away?” Badger asked. He scuffed the last of the snow off his shoes and tried his best to shake off the cold that stuck to him like a blanket of glue.

Bones shook his head before walking to the bathroom with his coffee. Badger was wary—it was only on days with no calls  a special individual would show up and ask them for favors. For all Badger knew, the next special person through the door could be himself from the future, warning the present Badger not to become a private investigator.

The sound of coffee draining down the sink filled the office. Bones wasn’t capable of drinking, but coffee was just such a universal part of the city culture that he felt he couldn’t skip out on it. Coming out of the bathroom, Bones saw Badger putting his coat back on. Bones could feel a certain chill running across his body, which was unusual for a skeleton.

“Badger, I’m cold. Are you cold?” said Bones.

“Me too. What do you think the chances are there’s some crazy customer at the door?”

Bones looked at the door and saw a darkness cast on the glass. 

“Knew it,” muttered Badger.

The door opened slowly, and a slim figure stepped through silently, revealing the face of a vampire. No one spoke at first. The first five seconds after the door opened felt like an awkward eternity.

Bones stepped forward. “What can we do for you?”

The vampiress looked at him with eyes that had seen more history than Bones would ever read. “You could start by hiring an interior decorator. My name is Maeve. I’m a vampire of the North Circle.”

Bones had heard about the North Circle before; they were responsible for the recent integration of vampires into Legion City.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Bones, and this is my partner, Badger.”

Badger froze. He had never seen a vampire this close and was terrified.

“Is he alright?” asked Maeve. Bones wasn’t sure if Badger could talk at all.

“He’s fine, hasn’t had his coffee yet. So, what do you need from us?” Maeve produced a scroll and handed it to Bones.

“An old associate of mine by the name of Lord Lugaid is under investigation by the Circle. We believe that he is holding human feasts in secret, which is in direct violation of the Vampire Integration Treaty. We would have liked to keep this within the Circle but none of us have discovered anything.”

Bones looked at the scroll. “I see. Why us, though? Shouldn’t this be a job for the city?”

Maeve shook her head. “This needs to remain a private affair. If the city found out about a vampire breaking the treaty, the Circle would be blamed.  As for why I came to you, I heard from an old friend of the Beastmen Clan that a skeleton and a detective managed to clean up a situation right under everyone's noses.”

Bones didn’t have the heart to tell her that they hadn’t really done much, seeing as she made a whole deal about it.

“Ok, then. What’s the plan?”

Maeve pointed to the scroll. “Here is the address. I will meet you there tomorrow morning and distract Lugaid while you search for something incriminating. Do whatever you must in the meantime to prepare. I will meet you at seven o’ clock—don’t be late.”

Maeve headed for the door.

“Wait!” called Bones, causing Maeve to turn around. “Won’t messing around with a Vampire Lord cause a bunch of trouble?”

Maeve laughed. “Oh dear, you don’t understand his ego. He legally changed his first name to ‘Lord,’ so you have nothing to worry about.”

She left for wherever vampires go in their freetime.

Bones put the scroll on Badger’s desk.

Badger snapped out of his stupor. “Wait, you just signed us up with a vampire!”

Bones nodded. “Yes, I did. We are a business, remember?”

“But we can’t serve them—they’re vampires!” Badger retorted with a slight crack in his voice.

“We’re taking the job,” replied Bones.

Badger grumbled a little and sipped his coffee, which by now was ice cold.

“Alright, fine, but I’m not gonna be happy about it.”

Badger opened his desk drawer, something he did rarely as he wasn’t very organized. In the drawer were a couple of folders and a small box. What mattered was the box. The box was grey with a green stripe around the side. A big logo on top of the box read:

Ferdy’s Hand Loaded Special Munitions, for when you need handcrafted quality at 1,700 miles per hour!

The bullets were made by one of Badger's old janitor buddies at the police department. Ferdy had quit his job to chase his dream of being a state blacksmith, but was never hired because he was near and far-sighted at the same time. Despite this, Ferdy assured Badger the box contained a type of bullet that could kill vampires. They were bullets with wooden tips, propelled by paladin-blessed gunpowder. Essentially a small stake.

“I’ll stay in the office for a while in case we get any other calls,” said Badger. “What will you do?”

Bones looked in the closet. He had an idea.

“I think I’ll head out and see if anyone’s talking about Lugaid. There’s got to be someone who can give us some information.”

Badger scoffed. “Yeah, and they’ll probably go tell him someone’s looking for him.”

The skeleton pulled an old coat from the closet. “Not if they think I’m one of them.”

Badger's eyebrow crept up his forehead. “You’re gonna go undercover?”

“Couldn’t hurt. I’ll meet you back here after and I’ll let you know if I find anything,” said Bones. He’d started putting his disguise together and found the perfect hat.

“Alright, see you whenever you get back then,” said Badger, walking to the door.

***

ONES was charting new territory. He wasn’t the type to go out. He knew the club in question, The Fake Stake, had no trouble serving vampires. After all, vampires are well versed in all aspects of nightlife and didn’t get hangovers, to boot.

The skeleton walked up to the entrance to the club. It wasn’t exactly subtle, having a big neon pink bat above your door, but subtle wasn’t the Legion City way. The bouncer, a great big stone gargoyle wearing jeans and a black t-shirt, stepped in front of him.

“What do you want?” said the gargoyle.

“I want to go in and hang out with some cool vampires,” admitted Bones.

The gargoyle snarled “Why is that?”

“I’m, uh, into biting?” Bones knew the honest truth wasn’t going to help him here. 

Confusion spread across the gargoyle's face. “Into biting? You’re a skeleton, why would a vampire bite you?”

Bones didn’t think it would work, but he kept pushing on. “Who said they would be biting me?”

The confusion on the gargoyle's face changed to slight panic. He was a very traditional gargoyle, and role reversal made him uncomfortable.

“Alright, alright, I’ve heard enough. Just go in and don’t talk to me again.”

Perhaps, Bones wondered, he was charismatic or that gargoyle was very stupid. He entered the club.

The people in the club were from all walks of life, defiant of the social norms of the city. Skeletons aren’t really seen as great company except at the final resting one.

In one corner a young wood elf was trying to out-drink a man who clearly had had enough of his nine to five. On the floor there was a dwarf dancing with an orc, if you could mistake their drunken flailing for dancing. In the back of the room, where the lights and the strobes never seemed to reach, there were a handful of partygoers who clearly did all their clothes shopping at the local morgue. Bones knew the gaggle of goths was his ticket to some useful information.

Bones could see one of the vampires had their eye on him. He had to play it cool. He walked up to the bar with a particularly spooky swagger and asked the barman for a Sarnath Sangria. He wasn’t having any trouble putting on the act—all he had to do was pretend he was in a movie and no one seemed to question him. The sangria arrived, and Bones took a sip, or rather, the sangria fell through his jaw and onto his coat, but miraculously nobody noticed. Except the vampiress who had caught his eye earlier watched him now with curious eyes, possibly wondering why a skeleton had just poured a drink down his collar. He sat next to her.

“Are you a vampire? Because I wouldn’t hesitate to invite you into my home,” said Bones.

The lady laughed, which was fortunate for Bones who felt like he’d have thrown up at his own pickup line if not for his lack of digestive organs. He took the vampiress’ hand in his fingers and leaned down to kiss it, forgetting he didn’t possess lips.

“How enchanting,” said the vampiress. The gesture was sincere if a little toothy. “You are quite the oddity. I’ve never seen a skeleton out and about before.”

“Oh, my dear, skeletons such as myself rarely see light at all, but I reckon you’re plenty experienced in that. Tell me, what do they call you?”

The vampiress chuckled. “Gloria. My friends here are Drak, Bel, and Norbert.”

Drak was also a vampiress, about the same age as Gloria, who seemed to be enthralled with the music. Bel was an older-looking vampire, who must have turned while in his golden years. Norbert was a very normal-looking person, but wore a mean scowl on his face. Bones sensed the scowl was for him.

“How are you, Norbert? Enjoying the music, mayhaps?” Bones couldn’t believe he had just used the word ‘mayhaps’ in a sentence, but he had to focus and not lose composure.

“I was having a good time,” said Norbert dryly.

Gloria frowned at Norbert. “We are still having a good time. Now, what is your name, my skeletal friend?”

The skeleton clicked his fingers together in as dramatic a fashion as he could. “They call me Bones. Hard to remember, I know.”

All the vampires laughed except for Norbert, who drank his margarita out of spite.

“So tell me, Bones, what do you do for leisure?” asked Gloria.

It didn’t take long for Bones to come up with a new lie, another hint he was way better at undercover work than he’d thought. All he’d need to go professional was a proper disguise.

“I’m quite fascinated by the old dark arts, the macabre,” said Bones, being sure to sound as cultured as possible. “I can’t get enough of it. I’ve seen hundreds of beastmen blood moon trials and even more games of wendigo water polo.”

This got the vampires excited. They either didn’t know that wendigo water polo didn’t exist, and wanted to act like they were in the know, or Bones had happened to name an actual dark sport.

“I’m actually looking for such an event in Legion City,” Bones said, begging the question from the vampires the same way a novice fisherman might throw a lure directly at a fish.

Bel was practically jumping in his seat with excitement. “Well go on, tell us!” he said.

Bones turned his head both ways, as he didn’t have the eyeballs to glance around subtly. “Rumor has it that a vampire in Legion holds classical blood feasts, and I’m desperate to find out who.”

Excitement faded from the vampires’ faces, and they began to seem nervous.

“Oh, Norbert, don’t you and that Luigi fella still do that kinda stuff?” Bel blurted out.

Bones looked at Norbert, who was in disbelief the old crone would remember such a thing, let alone shout it across the table.

Gloria took over the conversation with a nervous laugh. “Oh, darling, we shouldn’t talk of such things while enjoying ourselves. Would you like another drink?”

Norbert threw his glass on the ground. “That’s it, I’ve had enough of this guy!”

Shock grew on the faces of the three vampires. Bones’ expression remained unchanged.

“Why Norbert, that's so disrespectful. Why would you say something like that?” said Gloria.

Norbert pointed at Bones. “He doesn’t belong here, he’s not natural!”

Bones was insulted, and the new personality he had taken on was not going to stand for it.

“Really, I’m not natural? How dare you! I’d spit on you if I had the capacity to!”

Two gargoyles were now making their way over to the table from the front door for it looked like escalation was inevitable.

Bones stood up and slapped Norbert across the face. “That’s what you get!” he said in triumph.

Unfortunately the next sound he made was a slight yelp as he was tackled onto a nearby table, spilling drinks over an orc who’d been minding his own business.

“You ruined my good shirt!” the orc yelled as he grabbed Norbert by the collar.

The gargoyles charged, separating Norbert from the orc. The orc wouldn’t have it. He picked the gargoyle up and threw him across the room, knocking over yet more drinks and food baskets. The entire club was drowned out in the collective roar of the club guests. Everyone was swinging at somebody else—gargoyles brawled with orcs, gnomes threw cutlery, elves leapt through the air, and a dwarf drop-kicked a man through the kitchen door.

Bones knew it was time to bounce and headed for the door. He stopped when he saw Gloria trying to pry Bel off of an elf. He took Gloria’s hand, yelling over the carnage. 

“Sorry to ruin the night. I’ll make it up to you somehow!”

Gloria replied with something he couldn’t quite hear. He nodded firmly before setting a record for fastest exit from The Fake Stake.

Around the corner he saw a phone booth. Norbert was likely to tell Lugaid what had just happened, and Bones wanted to be there. He rolled a coin into the slot and punched in the number for the office.

“Badger, it’s me. I have a suspect who’ll be out and about any minute now. I need you to get over here. I’m just outside The Fake Stake… No, the gnome stabbing happened at the Flakey Drake… no, not that one, that one’s next to the Centaur Deli… Yes, that one. See you soon.”

He hung the phone back on the hook with a satisfying ding. Half an hour later Badger rounded the corner, carrying a bag with a smiley face on it.

“Badger, what is that?”

Badger pulled out a sandwich with a thick cut of heavily seasoned chicken. “It’s from that new Easterling chain that just opened shop next to our office,” said Badger before taking a hearty bite.

“Wait, I told you to get here ASAP, and you went to an Easterling Chicken place first?”

Badger didn’t look up from his sandwich. “I got here on time.”

Bones let out a sigh and looked over at The Fake Stake. Norbert stumbled out of the door and walked down the street.

“Catch up with me when you’re finished,” said Bones. “Or else he’ll hear you chewing from a mile away.”

Badger gave a thumbs up.

Bones took off, following Norbert at a distance. He wasn’t hard to follow as he probably wasn’t paying much attention to anything other than the headache the bouncer had given him. A taxi turned the corner and Norbert signalled it.

Bones closed the distance. “1800 Addams Drive,” he heard Norbert say. He caught up just as the cab drove off into the night.

“Did we lose him?” asked Badger, who’d caught up with him.

“No, I know where he’s going.”

A second cab came around the corner. They waved the driver down. 

“1800 Addams Drive, and make it quick!”

ONES and Badger departed the cab some ways before arriving at the address, careful to not give away their presence. As the investigators walked towards the place they could hear yelling. Norbert and the other taxi driver—sounded like a dispute on how much of a tip was appropriate. Norbert, after a minute of verbal abuse, walked up the road to the mansion on the hill. The duo followed slowly, keeping their distance, passing by the upset driver who was on the phone.

Lugaid’s mansion was massive—three stories tall with rows of windows across. Badger wondered why one man, vampire or not, could possibly need that much space. In front of the mansion was a driveway that circled around a small fountain adorned with a stone gargoyle.

“Lugaid clearly doesn’t mind the stereotypes,” whispered Badger.

Norbert was walking to a shed off to the side of the mansion. The shed looked about as normal as any other shed, which made it very suspicious.

“I bet you that shed has a secret door in it that leads to some kind of dark atrium that they have the blood feasts in,” said Badger.

Bones didn’t want to engage with Badger's ideas for two reasons: they were almost always ridiculously cliche, worse than that, half the time they were right.

“Whatever” said Bones “Let’s just get this over with.”

A couple of minutes after the shed door had closed behind Norbert, Bones and Badger snuck in. The shed held a large assortment of tools that gave off a sinister feel, despite most of them being gardening equipment. Bones knew Badger was already thinking about which tool was actually a secret lever, so he had an idea, or rather an experiment he wanted to try out.

“Badger, close your eyes real quick.”

Badger did so instantly without a wonder as to why.

“When I say go, reach out and grab the first tool you come across.”

Badger nodded as Bones spun him in place.

“Go.”

Badger reached out with his right hand and almost perfectly landed on the handle of a trowel.

“Alright, now see if it’s a lever.”

Sure enough, as Badger pulled his arm back, the trowel locked in place and the floorboards separated, revealing a stone staircase into the dark below.

“I should tell you to close your eyes more often,” said Bones as he walked down the steps.

The dungeon was surprisingly well lit. Normally dungeons were dank, horrible places with skulls hanging from the ceiling and rats running across the floors, but this dungeon was quite homely. There was a nice carpet running down the center of the cobblestone tunnel and there were kerosene lamps hanging on top of sconces instead of harsh torches. They saw a large wooden door at the end of the tunnel with a canvas wall print on it that said, 

Home is where the hemoglobin flows.

Badger knew he would hate it here. “This is the lamest dungeon I’ve ever been in.”

Bones tested the door knob and found it was unlocked. Pulling the door ever so slightly open he moved through to the other side. The thick carpet was doing an immense job of keeping the investigators movements quiet. Bones scanned the room as Badger came through after. They were in a small room with a meal cart and an array of platters on a table, there was a swinging door on the other side of the cart.

“This is some kind of prep room. Probably for the feast,” Bones said quietly.

Badger peeked through the gap between the swinging door and the frame and saw an immensely long dining table with an array of fruit bowls and wine bottles on it. There was a small group seated at the table, certainly vampires as normal people don’t have tables longer than a city bus.

“Over here, Bones, it looks like they’re almost ready to begin.” Badger whispered.

Bones peeked over Badgers head and saw he was right. The vampires were talking and laughing about something, which he recognized as the boring part of a dinner party where you talk as much as possible before the host remembers there’s supposed to be food. The vampire at the head of the table was dressed in a special outfit, different from the rest (whose outfits were not normal by any stretch of the imagination). He stood taller than the rest as well.

Bones identified the head of the table as Lord Lugaid, seeing as it was his dungeon to begin with. Lugaid stood and the room was plunged into silence.

“Good friends, or should I say fiends?”

The guests laughed. Badger rolled his eyes.

“It is time for the main event. We have a choice selection for tonight from our very own Hakin. I am sure you’re all as excited as I am to sink your teeth into this one. Hakin, would you like to tell us about tonight's feast while the thralls prepare?” 

Lugaid sat back down as a rather gruff sounding vampire began to speak. 

“This is one of the Sisters of Fortose, a very hearty spirit whom I found wandering the roads out towards the Orc History Museum.”

Bones didn’t believe it.

The Sisters of Fortose were an order of martial monks that trained alongside the Tiger knights. He wondered how a vampire even managed to kidnap one. As the vampire went on, a small horde of thralls came out with jobs to do. Some of the thralls carried silverware, some began uncorking the countless bottles, some were wheeling meal carts with covered platters on them. Two of the thralls were moving a massive platter with a special mark on it, which Badger figured carried the Sister.

“Bones, I have a plan,” said Badger.

Bones shuddered.

“If we’re quick about it,” continued Badger, “we can get her out of there. You get up on this platter and I’ll wheel you out and switch you for the Sister.”

“No way.” Bones shook his head. “They’ll see you from miles away. You’d have to look like a thrall: Messed up hair, dirty and wrinkled clothes, and...actually, on second thought that might work.”

Bones hopped onto the platter and pulled the cover over himself. Badger pushed the cart through into the dining room. The other platter had been placed next to Lugaid for inspection, but he was riveted by the gruff vampire's digression on how much easier feasts used to be.

Badger wheeled up next to the other platter and replaced it with the one with Bones. When he grabbed the handles of the other cart Lugaid noticed.

“Thrall, what are you doing with our dinner?” Badger looked Lugaid in the eyes and talked slowly.

“Is. Next. Week’s,” said Badger, imitating a thrall. He pointed at Bone’s platter. “Is. Now.”

Lugaid nodded. “Oh of course, thank you for that. We’ll need to get you back in that language integration ritual after this.”

Badger wheeled away, wondering how a centuries-old vampire was clearly born yesterday.

The gruff vampire concluded his rampant aside.

“Now, Lord Lugaid, if you would,” he said motioning to the platter.

“Gladly,” said Lugaid as he lifted up the cover, revealing Bones curled up in a ball.

Some of the vampires gasped, others hissed, and one scolded Lugaid for leaving the food in the smoker far too long. Bones jumped up to his feet and saw Norbert sitting in a chair.

Bones pointed at Norbert. “This is all his fault by the way,” he said before jumping off the table and making a mad dash for the door. 

Badger lifted the Sister over his shoulder and started running down the hallway. The vampires gave chase as Bones shut the wooden door behind them.

“Where am I? What’s happening,” said the Sister as her eyes adjusted to the light.

“You’re in the world’s cheesiest dungeon,” said Badger as he ran across the carpet. “We’re here to rescue you.”

The sister looked back to see Bones blocking the door with the cart. 

“Who are you?” she asked.

Badger tipped his hat. “Bones and Badger, private defibrillators.”

Badger ran out of the shed and Bones caught up just after.

“You lose them?” Badger asked.

“It’s a hallway. No, I didn’t lose them. But I did block the door and throw all the tools in the shed downstairs.” 

They looked past the gate and saw the taxi still waiting.

“There’s our ticket out of here,” said Badger. 

Bones ran to the taxi and opened the back door. The taxi driver dropped his phone. 

“Hey, we’ll tip you double what that guy didn’t if you floor it.”

The taxi driver shrugged lightly. “You’re the boss.” 

“You think a testimony will be enough?” Badger asked. 

“Ask Maeve when we come back here in the morning,” said Bones.

Badger had forgotten about that part. He hoped Lugaid wouldn’t recognize him.

***

HE following morning, Badger and Bones made their way back to the mansion. Maeve wasn’t anywhere to be seen. 

“Any idea where she might be?” Badger asked. 

Bones could hear something on the wind, past the main gate. 

“I hear something. It sounds like an argument,” said Bones.

“Well let’s go check it out, then,” replied Badger, walking to the gate. 

In the courtyard Maeve was yelling up at Lugaid, who was on the second floor balcony.

“Well, that’s real professional,” said Badger.

Bones walked over to Maeve. Badger followed.

“What’s going on here?” asked Bones.

Maeve turned to him and let out a sigh. “Something happened last night, and he thinks the Circle attacked him.”

Lugaid pointed at Badger. “There he is! That’s the Circle's thrall. So you did send him!” 

“Nonsense, he’s not even a thrall,” said Maeve.

Badger stepped up and yelled back at Lugaid. “Yeah, you’re mad we stopped your feast!”

Maeve gave Badger a sharp look. “You were here last night? I told you to wait.”

Bones stepped in between them. “Look, let’s stay focused on the problem. We stopped one feast, but now we need to stop Lugaid.”

Badger nodded. 

Maeve yelled back at Lugaid. “The Circle will have your head for this, Lugaid!”

The vampire lord laughed. “The Circle won’t know. You and your hounds won’t get to tell them, Strawberry!”

Badger looked to Maeve. “Strawberry? Why is he calling you Strawberry?”

Maeve looked away. “It’s a cruel name, one he gave me when I was just a hundred years old.”

“Did she never tell you about our little history?” said Lugaid. “She fell in love with a mortal man long ago. Oh, how she would blush whenever she saw him. One night I had a wonderful idea pop into my head, and I just couldn’t let it go. I snuck into her dungeon while she was asleep, and I carefully placed spider eggs under the skin on her face.”

Bones and Badger weren’t sure if they heard right, and they were desperate to be wrong.

“The next time she blushed in front of that poor man, her face was as red as a strawberry with all those little black eggs finishing the look!” Lugaid was lost in another bout of laughter.

Bones didn’t have words for how disgusted he felt. He had to settle for imagining how contorted his hypothetical face would be right now.

Badger was completely still and straight faced as he spoke calmly, “That is objectively the most horrific thing I have heard in my entire life.”

True to the story, Maeve was red with embarrassment. 

Lugaid had barely finished laughing when he spoke again. “But fortunately for that mortal, he never had to marry ‘Strawberry’ here, so no harm done in the end.”

Maeve’s embarrassment changed instantly to red hot anger. “You don’t know what it’s like to love, you disgusting bat!”

Badger leaned over to Bones and whispered, “Aren’t they all technically bats?”

“Not now.” Bones replied. Maeve had clearly had enough of Lugaid. 

“I’m gonna hurt you bad!” hissed Maeve. She bared her fangs.

Badger whispered to Bones. “‘Hurt you bad’? You’d think after being centuries old they’d be better at insults?”

Maeve leapt the height of the mansion and began clawing at Lugaid.

“That’s our cue!” said Badger, unholstering his revolver. 

They dashed to the front door. Badger kicked the door open to find the mansion looked exactly as he had expected—dark red rugs in every hallway, paintings everywhere, even a rotary phone and phonebook sitting next to the door.

Bones went to the phone and opened the phonebook. “You go on ahead Badger, I’ll get some help and catch up to you.”

At the top of the stairs was a ridiculously long hallway with rows of doors on either side. Badger ran through looking for the next set of stairs, but all he could see were doors, doors, and paintings. He found himself in a kitchen. Chances were this kitchen saw people turned into steaks, salads, or sandwiches. Badger wondered why vampires even bothered to make meals out of people instead of drinking them raw. He ran through the next entrance.

Back at the main entrance, Bones was waiting for someone on the other end of the line to pick up. The phonebook was open on the ‘B names’ which listed them as ‘Bones and Badger, alligators.’

“That isn’t even close,” he said to himself.

***

ADGER found himself in a massive dining hall with a grand staircase in the back. He ran up, hoping for a door to the roof, but saw it only led to indoor balconies with windows outside.

“What’s the point of an indoor balcony?” Badger asked himself.

From these upper windows he saw Lugaid and Maeve fighting—they must have tumbled to a lower section. Maeve was losing ground, and Lugaid looked like he was still laughing at the whole ‘strawberry’ thing.

Badger needed to get outside quick, and there was no chance of him finding his way back through the mansion in time. He had an idea. It definitely wasn’t his best, but it would look cool. He took some steps back, and crossing his arms over his face, jumped. 

Maeve and Lugaid stopped fighting, seeing Badger face down on the tiling.

“He jumped through my indoor balcony!” yelled Lugaid, turning back to Maeve. “You didn’t even hire professionals who know how to use a door!”

Maeve was unsure of what was happening.

Badger raised a finger to the sky. “In my defense, you have way too many doors,” groaned Badger as he pushed himself up from the tiles. 

“This ends now, quietly or quickly,” said Badger. “And I hurt enough to prefer quickly.” He drew his revolver and aimed it at Lugaid.

Maeve sighed. “Badger, he’s a vampire, remember?”

Badger laughed. “You think I’m an idiot! These aren’t ordinary bullets. They’re a special munition crafted by my old dwarf buddy, and I’m betting that they could knock you off your feet.”

Lugaid took a step toward Badger, which was deemed one step too far by the detective's trigger finger. The revolver fired and Lugaid fell backward. Maeve looked at the fresh wound and saw it close back up after a couple of seconds.

Lugaid stood up. “Ow, that stings. Was that a silver bullet?” 

Confusion came across Badger's face as he opened the cylinder to check the bullets. “No, they are tipped with wooden…oops.”

Lugaid scowled. “You shot me with a silver bullet! Do I look like a werewolf to you?”

Badger looked to Maeve for support, but she shook her head.

“That’s offensive, Badger!”

Badger’s eyes widened. “Sorry I tried to save your life! You know I’d think anyone might be a little more appreciative. But I guess vampires don't appreciate life like the rest of us!”

“I don’t appreciate life? I’m not the trigger-happy maniac!” yelled Lugaid.

“Oh yeah, it’s ‘so bad’ to shoot a vampire with a silver bullet, huh? Well, why don’t I do it again?!” Badger yelled.

“I swear on my family’s name, if you shoot me one more time…” said Lugaid.

Badger was about to fire again when a second window shattered. Bones seemingly fell out of the sky and landed on the roof, hard, but still managed to stay on his feet.

“Way too many doors in there... what’s going on?” asked the skeleton.

Lugaid screamed. “That’s two ruined balconies! That’s it, you all die now!” 

The vampire lord lunged with supernatural speed, clamping his jaw over Badger’s neck. Bones’s lack of eyes widened. Maeve pulled Lugaid off, but could see his mouth bubbling where fang had touched blood. Bones ran over to Badger and grabbed him just before he fainted.

“Badger, are you ok?!” said Bones.

“I’m not feeling too hot,” Badger mumbled in response. “Did I get a swing in?”

Bones looked over. Lugaid was holding his hands over his mouth.

“I don’t know how, but you did,” said Bones.

Maeve dropped Lugaid and came over to Badger. “What happened?”

Bones then noticed a dark stain on Badger’s shirt. 

“Easterling Chicken. It was the garlic.”

 “If he doesn’t get help soon, he’ll turn,” said Maeve.

Glass shattered for the third time. A large figure crashed down on the roof, launching balcony tiles in all directions. It was a Paladin, Brutelonius, an acquaintance from a previous case.

“Ah, Brutelonius, you have great timing,” said Bones as the Paladin rose from a crouched position.

Maeve knew talking to a Paladin wasn’t good for a vampire’s life expectancy. She quickly made her exit before Brutelonius noticed.

“Of course,” said Brutelonius. “I left immediately when I got your call. That pile of bones your vampire?”

Bones nodded. Brutelonius walked over to the weakened vampire and cast a ‘smiting’ spell, turning the corpse to ash. Bones carried Badger over to the Paladin.

“Don’t suppose you know a miracle to heal diseases?”

***

HE sun rose over Legion City once more and the city collectively grumbled. Bones stared out the office window—he liked looking out the window after cases. It had been a couple of hours since the incident at Lord Lugaid’s mansion. He was waiting for Badger now.

Brutelonius had taken his partner to the station to see about curing his oncoming case of vampirism. Bones had stayed behind and explained to Maeve about the bloodfeast and rescue. With the Sister of Fortose’s testimony, the Circle managed to convict Lugaid, even though the Paladins had finished the job.

The office door swung open and Badger came through,  bandaged around his neck, clutching a bottle of pills, looking as pale as a ghost.

“So? Are you gonna suck blood now?” asked Bones.

Badger shook his head. “No. Can’t eat anything with garlic in it for a week, though.”

Bones chuckled, which never sat right with Badger, because any kind of laugh from an emotionless face is absolutely disturbing. 

“It’s good you’re back. Well, I need to head out. A perfect excuse for you to relax for a while.”

Badger scoffed. “What’s got you busy? You got a date?”

Bones nodded. “Yes, with a vampire.”

Badger blinked. “A vampire? How’d that happen?”

Bones shrugged. “Long story short—I owe her an apology, and she wants me to take her to a wendigo water polo match.” 

Bones walked into the closet and tried to figure out how best to dress for the occasion.

“Is…is that a real sport?” Badger asked, trying to piece together how wendigo water polo might be played.

“I have no idea.”

Bones came out wearing a large fluffy coat. Badger wondered why they had a fluffy coat in the first place.

“Well, good luck with that,” said Badger. “I wouldn’t mind having a little nap anyway. Couldn’t sleep near the paladins because of their constant chanting. You’d think they’d have to take a breath at some point. You’d be wrong.”

Bones waved as he walked out the door in search of a potentially imaginary sport. Badger sat in his chair and leaned back, ready for the sandman to throw some mediocre dreams at him. The sound of the door opening again got his attention, but not enough to look.

“Listen, if I open my eyes I’m probably gonna see something upsetting—is there any chance you could come back later?” Badger asked the room.

“It won’t take too long,” said a voice.

Badger opened his eyes. It was Maeve.

“The case may be closed, but I have some unfinished business with you,” she said.

Badger started getting nervous. He hadn’t really had a chance to apologize before, and if he did now it wouldn’t sound sincere. He slowly reached for his holster.

Maeve walked closer, ever so slowly.

“You insulted the Circle and called a Paladin to keep you safe. Now, I finally can speak to you without fear.”

Badger's revolver was hiding below the desk, ready to fire. He hoped a bullet of any kind to the face would give him a chance.

“This is for you.” Maeve extended her arm towards Badger and handed him a pamphlet.

Badger took it and looked at the cover. “‘Vampire Education’?”

Maeve turned to the door. “Yes, it’s a service hosted by the Circle. Vampire reputation in the city hasn’t recovered from our history. This is one of the measures the Circle takes to help change public perception. Now, please give them a call—the sooner you get your graduation certificate, the sooner we might consider hiring you for more work. Good day.”

Maeve left, door closed behind her.

Badger threw the pamphlet on the desk and leaned back in the chair. 

“I’ll process that when I wake up.”